A bar in my neighborhood is delivering entire liters of their premixed margaritas for $25 and you get a complimentary roll of toilet paper with your purchase and it’s really starting to feel like there are no rules anymore
“So, I heard you work at the circus.”
[shallows bread stick whole] Nope.
“You sure about that?”
[chewing on glass] Yup
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*maintains eye contact with coworker while licking a yogurt lid for seventeen minutes*
[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim
A simple smile can brighten someone’s day…
…but a wide-eyed, toothy lunatic smile can keep them up all night.
*Frantically typing on google*
‘How to do CPR’
*Opens video, 30 second ad pops up*
[To dying person]
Ok just hold on a sec
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
I didn’t want to be the one to have to do this but I’m not here to make friends and I have to tell the truth: coconut water is disgusting
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH