Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
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companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Did I do this right
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face