@Reverend_Scott

[first date]
“So, I heard you work at the circus.”

[shallows bread stick whole] Nope.

“You sure about that?”

[chewing on glass] Yup

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@ryanbrooks

A bar in my neighborhood is delivering entire liters of their premixed margaritas for $25 and you get a complimentary roll of toilet paper with your purchase and it’s really starting to feel like there are no rules anymore

@CountGripsnatch

*maintains eye contact with coworker while licking a yogurt lid for seventeen minutes*

@daplusk

[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: Same
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim

@better_off_dad

A simple smile can brighten someone’s day…

…but a wide-eyed, toothy lunatic smile can keep them up all night.

@Quadricycle

*Frantically typing on google*
‘How to do CPR’
*Opens video, 30 second ad pops up*
[To dying person]
Ok just hold on a sec

@JermHimselfish

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

@HumbleTeej

I didn’t want to be the one to have to do this but I’m not here to make friends and I have to tell the truth: coconut water is disgusting

@chuuew

ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!

ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?

@MollySneed

[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?

[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH