‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
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“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.