@Slims_Ramblings

First Date:

“So, tell me something no one else knows about you.”

Well, my wife thinks I’m at the movies and you think I’m single.

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@GrillinChillin9

Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?

Me: No, I don’t have that many.

My dog: Can I have one?

Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.

@outsmartedmommy

The doctor told me I need to rest so I dropped the kids off at his office & now he won’t stop calling me as if that’s going to help me rest.

@Dildotron

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

@TheAlexNevil

People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet

@Mom_Overboard

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

@noneofyours99

“Yes I’m here for a conjugal visit please”
Guard- name of prisoner?
Me – not sure, can I go in and pick one?

@AimeeHelene1

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

@Spaziotwat

Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice