First Date:

“So, tell me something no one else knows about you.”

Well, my wife thinks I’m at the movies and you think I’m single.

You Might Also Like


Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?

Me: No, I don’t have that many.

My dog: Can I have one?

Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.


The doctor told me I need to rest so I dropped the kids off at his office & now he won’t stop calling me as if that’s going to help me rest.


I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*


People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet


My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.


“Yes I’m here for a conjugal visit please”
Guard- name of prisoner?
Me – not sure, can I go in and pick one?


This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.


Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice