Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.

What’s this sorcery? 😂

my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that

me: not today satin

Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?

“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.

“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.

“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation

I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.

Guy: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.

Guy: …..

Me: Cowabunga, douche!

In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.

“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob

Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan

I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

me: want to go to the ice rink?

friend: i can’t stand ice skating

me: you’ll be able to with practice

[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.

Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:

Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*

Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?

*reads list of assassin targets*

“Eggs, milk…what the-”

[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.