[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
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It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Me driving through Toronto
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is