[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
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SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.