[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
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me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
