[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
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I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.