Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”

ME: so what do you do for a living

HER: I work for a moving company

ME: where is it today?

today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start

The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white

I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.

[tries to blow a kiss]

Kiss: I have a boyfriend

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.

If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*

*3.5 thank you very much.

i feel so bad i refunded him

If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges

my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?