[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
You Might Also Like
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*