[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
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The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Introverted vegans go meetless
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.