[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
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*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Stop it! 😂
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.