Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.

*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*

Me: what?

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!

Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.

Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”

*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*

when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

me: cheeseburgers are better than sex

her: maybe you’re doing it wrong

me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon

her: I meant sex

me: me too

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”

girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language

Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.

I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?

all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.

(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang

People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What