[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
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My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.