[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
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Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Interior designer.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO