[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
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Yup
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Always
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).