Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?

i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames

I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.

My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone

BILLION DOLLAR IDEA

A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up

Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.

Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

turning my gender off to conserve energy

[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara

Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another

Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*

Baker: “When is your wedding?”

Me: *with mouthful of cake*

“What wedding?”

My wife is playing hard to get.

Rid of.

The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.