Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?

Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.

Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!

The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.

Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!

*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*

Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello

Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did

2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un

1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.

Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear

waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too

Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich

*Dog steals and eats my sandwich

Dog: Okay, I’m ready

When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?

Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.

A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.

me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth

*immediately takes 2nd bite*

Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.

“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.