Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?

*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?

-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”

They haven’t.

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*

Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.

Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.

When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”

I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.

cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.

babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped

What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18

Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.

That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.

The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018

People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.

“FOUND ‘EM!”

If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.