Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”

They got Raph!

wife: how many beers is that for you?

me: yep

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Thank you. I’ll be here all night.

My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals

Wrong answers only

Answer: Marriage

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks

Him: you’re beautiful.

Her: no I’m not, hehe.

Him: yes, you are.

Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.

Him: oh, ok. I see it now.

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

I need to get some bricks…

you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

[camping]

Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.

I’m well into my third quarantine then.

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

colleague: do u like the clown from IT?

me: nah he never fixes my computer

This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.

if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler

You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey

Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up

The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.