Don’t listen to people who tell you not to stay up late. They’re just trying to trick you into being a well-rested person who isn’t anxious.
Yep. I like all the things.
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
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Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I hate when my phone corrects “hood morning” to good morning. Maybe I meant hood morning. Maybe some thug shit has happened today.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone