Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@jwoodham

Don’t listen to people who tell you not to stay up late. They’re just trying to trick you into being a well-rested person who isn’t anxious.

@Burnam1

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

@RoosterMustache

I hate when my phone corrects “hood morning” to good morning. Maybe I meant hood morning. Maybe some thug shit has happened today.

@KyleMcDowell86

[getting pulled over]

Me: R u a bear cop?

Bear cop: Is that a problem?

Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop

*mauls me for bad pun*

@jwoodham

The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.

@joejwest

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

@ojedge

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

@ThatBrenna

I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.

@corysnearowski

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

@TragicAllyHere

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone