Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.

Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?

Me: you butter believe it : )

My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me

This is bullshit

A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?

“This is a raw berry!”

Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.

Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.

RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air

ME: HOLY SHIT

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.

Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*

“It says here you ran a marathon?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”

me:

People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced

So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.

I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes

All my scars & bruises tell a story.

The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.