[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
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People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?