[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
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Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
is this a threat
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
So we got a goldfish…
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house