Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again

ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

[Dracula before he got braces]

:F

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.

Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”

Finish the sentence here:

📷: elevasseur

Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday

Wife: aw that’s sweet

Jesus: wow

9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions

[at a restaurant]

SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.

ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.

Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed

Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

I love the smell of relapse in the morning

Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?

Me:

Mom:

Me:

Mom:

Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.