Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?

clerk: going camping?

me: no

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U

Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars

Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?

*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”

Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!

Teen: rolls eyes

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!

Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.

Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?

I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.

The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.

Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.

Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*

My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket

Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?

Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.

[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]

Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS

Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool

Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2