Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

6yo: *sneezes*

Me: Bless you.

6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!

Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that

Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

I get it fish, my body is also beer battered

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.

(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground

Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster

It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.

Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.

you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid

FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples

[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry

If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?

Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.

Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.

And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer

also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!

Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.

You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.