First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
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If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs