Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.

I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.

I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.

I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital

[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly

What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??

My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.

Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *

Moves shopping cart to allow car to park

Lady doesn’t even say thanks

Puts cart back behind her car

Leaves.

I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.

Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?

Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?

Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.

Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?

the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.

Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long

Hedgehog: no

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.