First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
You Might Also Like
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”