Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS

bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater

Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

[invention of croutons]

Let’s make eating salad hurt

kids: *having a rough day*

air-conditioning: *broken*

me: *sweaty and irritated*

underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!

Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then

Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean

Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios

Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending

Kids are so inquisitive.

“Will robots ever take over the world?”

Me: “Almost certainly.”

“But when? Before I die?”

“A bit before, yes.”

“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”

-psychopaths

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾‍♂️

I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.

getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing

I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?

has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet

it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.

At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.

While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off