Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.

Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.

4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA

Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!

Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

r kelly: will you touch this shower quick

king midas: why

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.

[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened

I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!