Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.

Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]

Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?

People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend

me: sacked? why?

boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name

me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]

French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where’s the 5th?

FG: Cinq.

Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”

Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”

Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”

Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”

dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!

My son kneed himself on the trampoline.

*black eye forming

Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.

*Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.

My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”

Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.

Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.