Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.

Me: Ironman

Wife: Get out!

a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

Owls are just nocturnal pug birds

Super Hand Dog Face

A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.

I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.

Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.

I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments

no cat here

using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…

Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.

When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑

My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.

Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.

I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.