[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
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A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺