Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

Communication during co-parenting is essential.

My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.

I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes

Update: going to a party where you don’t know the people is like seeing a movie sequel when you didn’t see the original.

You can still have a good time but you don’t really know what’s going on

If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar

i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂

me: it is not

amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂

me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox

amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?

me: that isn’t possible

amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))

Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.