First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
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Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
So I ate some gummy bears.
Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.
I ate exactly 37…
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
When you have to use a public restroom.
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
This is my bus stop.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…