“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
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darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?