Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.

“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

“Only God can judge me”

People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?

4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.

Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”

me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now

Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?

Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it

Hey I just met you…

And this is Crazy…

But this is a nice restaurant…

So, Silence your baby!

Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

Anaesthetist: Count back from 10

Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further

I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR

*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*

*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay

People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face

“I can’t lie to you”

You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me

What time will the Easter candy be discounted?

CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.

Ok. I’ll call back later.

[Deleting all work emails]

THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing