Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.

ANGEL:

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-

Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

her: what do you do for a living

me: I can’t tell you

her: like a spy

me: no I’m an eye doctor

her: oh an ophthalmologist

me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it

I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.

BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!

[First date]

Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”

Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

Her: Where do you work?

Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…

Her: *starts choking on food*

Me: …on a TV show

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out

the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out

Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart

it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.

Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul

My therapist: no

Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.

Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!

Husband getting dressed:

Me: Purple and green don’t go together.

Husband: It works for the Joker.

Me: My point exactly.

Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently

SON: Oh my god what’s wrong

ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake

Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?

Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*replaces battery*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*takes battery back out*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER

Smoke Detector:

Me:

Smoke Detector: CHIRP