[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
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360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up