Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!

Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.

My Mom: you just have to poop.

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.

me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.

Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵

From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵

Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!

Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.

A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.

It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.

just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat

Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!

man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement

Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that’s a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!