[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
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Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
is nasa ok
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.