[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
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I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”