@Gupton68

[first day as a baker]

boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?

me: you said to make donuts

b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!

m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too

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@stevevsninjas

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

@badbanana

I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.

@Love_bug1016

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

@MomOfTeen

Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.

@NrouteHQ

Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update

Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*

@Darlainky

Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”

@thatUPSdude

Think the walk of shame sucks now, imagine doing it in the 80s in corduroy pants.

Everyone heard you leaving.