[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
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In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean