Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
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if only there was a better name
Is this thing on ?
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Think the walk of shame sucks now, imagine doing it in the 80s in corduroy pants.
Everyone heard you leaving.