[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
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[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Dietest Coke
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
why is everyone yelling about nude ears
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.