[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
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When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Word.
~ Microsoft.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Why did they call it a street sweeper and not a Vroomba
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”