[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
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Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
[the middle of showering] I need a break
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Would you wear it?
