[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
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the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”
-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
is this a warning or an offer?
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.