[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
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5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.