Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.

[pirate ship capturing another ship]

Pirate: Prepare to be bored!

Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?

*pirate opens stamp collection*

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked

Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.

“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”

Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.

Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango

What kind of car does a sheep drive?

A Lamborghini.

Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.

think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.

It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.

It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.

Bartender: what’ll it be?

Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet

I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.

The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.

A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.

*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*

wife: is that ellen?

daughter: no, it’s dory

me: ellen is the actress that plays dory

daughter: is she a fish?

me: no, she’s a human

daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish