[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
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I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber
coworker: what adorable costumes!
me: costumes?
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Holy moly
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money