[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
You Might Also Like
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Easy ladies. The bulge in my sweat pants is just a sleeve of emergency cookies.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Me if I was a dog
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.