Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store

Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.

[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.

me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it

google: we’re doing this again?

avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day

[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?

me: yes, a final film

warden: ok, what do you want to watch

me: *smiles wide* the neverending story

[107 minutes later]

me: ok, that’s bullshit

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.

Ok doc, give it to me straight.

“It’s cancer”

How bad?

“Really bad, you have 2 months.”

OMG

“APRIL FOOLS!”

Whew-

“You have 2 days.”

I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!

god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys

god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense

Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?