Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?

ROCK HARD ABS!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!

This was the best day of my life

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie

What do you want to be when you grow up?

other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…

my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.

I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.

It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.

Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.

Scientists: we have invented healthy food

Me: are you sure it’s healthy

Scientists: …no

Me: are you sure it’s food

Scientists: …no

*arouses suspicion*

Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.

CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.

When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!

Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.

Me: A transplant?

Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.

Me:

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*

Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery

I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”