[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
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VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized