Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.

Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.

If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.

OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT

Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall

My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.

The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr

My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.

I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved

*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!

Suffering from kleptomania?

You should take something.

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up

Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON

I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.