[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
You Might Also Like
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Sell your car
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Last-minute gift idea!
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.