[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
You Might Also Like
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?