[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
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Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Kermit goes Blue.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs