[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
You Might Also Like
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.