[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
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If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
good let them take over I have had enough
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.