Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.

Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.

I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.

A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.

Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?

Cooking instructor: No.

Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.

My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.

“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.

Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.

I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist