Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”

[first day as a botany professor]

me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?

student: to reproduce?

me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.

[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.

The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.

eats a dozen doughnuts…

*checks for flabs*

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”

I love you to the refrigerator and back

Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”

FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?

ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it

his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty

People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.

it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it

What a shocker.

I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.

Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.

I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide

babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird

Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.

Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.

Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?

Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.

what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?

ME:

COP: I think it’s to keep out ants

New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”

Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.