(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
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I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
wtf
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
a public service announcement
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.