Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace

“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”

– my husband right now, probably

Chinese military tactics are pure genius.

My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried

I have two arms and should easily overpower him

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”

if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns

The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids

[alien parasite invasion]

ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host

“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.

*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.

Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.

the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates

look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.