Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation

Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this

Her: all the food?

Me: no this penguin

i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

“jogging gives me endorphins”

so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.

I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.

Cats (2019)

me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?

psychic: ok I’ll tell you

me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?

psychic: no I’m pretty confident

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*

Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…

Aw beans

I need to get organized and plan ahead

*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!

Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

Go hard or stay average

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?

I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!