[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
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Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before