Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.

Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.

Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.

Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce

Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?

I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.

ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.

BOND: I’m a spy.

ME: You are bad at all parts of this.

When he asks for feet pics

My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings

What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

[watching a movie]

Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?

Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor

Me:

Him:

Me: *eyes narrow*

Him: *eyes narrow*

*both start frantically googling*

lmfao come on

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.