Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me

My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.

Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?

I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*

Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐

And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣

Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.

But I’m the one that needs meds?

me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting

“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”

— Centipede parents

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class

me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.

Me: [puts dog food into dish]

My dog: eh I’m not hungry

[1 minute later]

Me: [opens package of cheese]

My dog: oh great I’m STARVING

[restaurant]

can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?

-how bout just one whole pizza instead?

oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza

it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.

When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.

Friend: What’s your favourite season?

Me: Of which show?

Friend: 😐

Me: 😶

Friend: 😕

Me: 😐

Me: 👀💭

Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.

This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.

most whales are bigger than a strawberry

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