Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”

Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree

SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it

DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.

[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*

everyone has that one prude friend

The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.

We couldn’t just…..find their homes?

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.

Lets keep this short tell me what I did right

My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:

For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.

Wife: Who?

Me: 😮

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

BILLION DOLLAR IDEA

A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up