[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
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I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
i hate you platonically
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”