[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
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If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
A collection of me turning into random objects.