[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
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One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
i wonder why they stopped looking
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*