[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
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i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
lol
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*