[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
You Might Also Like
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.