[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
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[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I have taken up painting
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over